I have been so quiet because Lily was born on January 01, 2005 at 10:38am. I could not have an epidural because my platelet count was 65. They gave me demoral but I still got to experience all the pain of childbirth.

I didn’t know the body could feel that much pain and not pass out. That is the most pain I have ever experienced. I feel like I have gone through a rite of passage and now I stand, holding my baby in my arms, alongside all the other mothers who have gone through that experience.

And I’m in love with my daughter. I just adore her. I was so worried about feeling resentment, but I don’t have that feeling at all. I feel tired and overwhelmed, but not resentful. I snuggle her and smell her and adore her. Once again, I feel like I can stand alongside the other mothers because now I know the love they feel for their children — it’s intense. Matt and my mom took her all last night so I could get some sleep, but I didn’t sleep very well. I was worried about her and missed her. They were very sweet to do that for me and I tried my best to sleep, but it wasn’t until I had her back in my arms this morning that I finally relaxed.

I have changed as I knew I would. I wonder what the new me will be like.