The first night Lily slept in her new toddler bed.
01 October 2006

Today was supposed to be about solidarity.  Today was supposed to be the day that Lily and I gave up our addictions together.  I was going to be there for her; I was going to go through the pain, the withdrawal and the almost unbearable cravings as she went through them.  She is giving up the breast (or “bapu” as she calls it) and I am giving up sugar.

She went the whole day with no bapu.  She usually nurses three times a day: once as she goes to sleep for her nap, once when she wakes up from her nap, and finally when she goes to sleep for the night.  Today she had no bapu at all.

And I know it wasn’t easy for her.  I know this because we also went grocery shopping today and I had to pass by the pastry section not once, but twice!  I forgot apples and had to pass by the pastry section a second time to go back for them.  The desire — the craving — it’s palpable.  It’s as real as a freezing cold solid steel wall that you feel backed up against, cornered like a starving animal.

But I resisted!  I resisted for my baby.  We were going through withdrawal of our addiction together, man!

But then I passed by a center aisle display for HEB Chips Galore cookies for which I had a coupon to get a free pack.  Did I resist?  No. :(  I cheerfully pointed them out to Matt and said, “I have a coupon for a free package of these.”  And in they went into the cart.

Did I resist them at home?  No.  Matt, Lily and I ate more than half the package of those cookies.

I caved into my addiction.  Lily had no bapu, but I ate sugar like the heroin addict that I am.

Truth is, it does make me sad.  I really did want to go through this with Lily.  I know how hard it is for her to give up the bapu.  It’s her comfort.  We snuggle together and I stroke her head and back while she nurses; it’s a very peaceful and loving act that we share.  But now it’s time for her to be weaned, and it’s really hard for her.  And I want to go through this with her.

I will do it with her.  I will give up my addiction as she gives up hers.  I do want to do this with my baby and have a deeper understanding how hard it is for her.  I don’t want her to go through the pain alone.

Solidarity can and will win over lack of willpower.