I haven’t posted in soooooooo long. To be honest, I’m not sure who reads this or how often. Am I posting for myself? Am I posting for the random person who stumbles onto this journal? Am I posting for my friends? I’ve never answered this question with any satisfaction. I have yet to understand the lure and need for the online journal, although I obviously feel it in myself. Maybe humans just need to send their voices out into the oblivion in the hope that we will connect. After all, we are, by nature, sociable creatures. But I still think vanity plays a part in the online journal as well.

I have been playing “catch up” as we all seem to do. And of course, I haven’t caught up, nor will I ever. There is too much to do in life and too little time. But I shall play “catch-up” until the day I die. Always reaching for a goal in front of me. If I ever do reach it, then I need to set the goal higher so I have something to reach for, something to dream about.

I have a new puppy. I got her about a month after Savannah died. Matt was really sweet and let me make every single decision when picking the new puppy. I choose the breed (German Shepherd Dog), choose the puppy out of the litter, and named her (Lani). She is six months old now. And she is high maintenance. I had read a lot about GSDs before getting her and every book had the same warning: GSDs are very smart and as an owner, you must occupy their mind. They will get up to mischief simply because their mind is twirling and buzzing and they have no occupation.

And sure enough, Lani’s mind is going about 100 miles an hour. I’ve never had such a busy and inquisitive dog. I figured out why people teach their GSDs tricks. It’s not to impress people. It’s just to give the poor bored dog something to do with its overactive mind. GSDs need to learn. Just as greyhounds need to run or they will go crazy, GSDs need to learn or they go nuts. They are a very interesting breed. I’ve never had a dog with a natural imperative before.

Other than that, it’s the same old same old. Trying to get the house organized, trying to get our finances in order, trying to ride out the recession as best we can, trying to keep my husband happy, trying to keep myself happy, trying to have a baby, trying to complete a novel.

In The Princess Bride, Wesley tells Buttercup “Life is pain” and I’ve been reading that philosophical statement a lot in other places lately, so I’ve been dwelling on that idea. But I don’t think life is pain. Life is promise and hope. Life can be difficult sometimes but with open eyes, dear loved ones, and a bit of caffeine, you can find the pulse of the earth and the promise that comes from simply being alive.

I’ve been getting really “spiritual” lately, but, being agnostic and having a real problem with the idea of a god, my spirituality is like the frayed end of a rope– chaotic and leading nowhere. But we’ll see where all the philosophical ramblings in my head lead me. It feels exactly the same as struggling with a difficult math problem. I’m staring at it and playing with it and rearranging the equation, but I’m having trouble finding the answer. It’s there somewhere but I can’t see it.

Hmmmm…. this has been a strange entry. But that’s the mood I’ve been in lately.